Sadness?? why?

I am a weird human being.
Or is this the norm for the rest of my species when wishes come true? I don't know...
Everyday for the last 69 days, I start my day more or less by your shadow in the background ...
Never coherent thoughts unless I try ... then at night when I go to bed ... and many other times between waking up and night time ... But I don't mind it anymore ... It's just another brain chemistry habit now I guess.

I tried many times to train myself to think of a future than doesn't have you in it ... I trained myself by making up stories, with serendipitous events that bring us in the same room, but never face to face ... and I coach myself on how to remain calm when that day comes ...
I have visions of myself bolting from that imaginary room ... or turning my entire body away and walking robot-style out of the room ... or bursting in tears like a child while looking for my mother .. or extending my hand to friends who can drag me away to safety somewhere else ...
All that before I remind myself of who I want to become by the time that day arrives ...
And I tell myself how I should stand with my head high and proud of who I am .. I have done nothing wrong ... and loving you was never a mistake ...
And the fantasy ends there ... no conversation is made for there is nothing to talk about ...
To wake up to a text on a phone from you was a surprise ...
I didn't go crazy ... I simply thought who is this?
It's the kind of text two people can write ... but Jacobian has never done anything that requires apology ... In fact, he will hilarious the next time we talk .. His birthday gift was the best thought I had in a very long time.
It must be you ...
Why?
What's funny is that I cautioned my best friend to never discuss me with any of her circle of friends ... not now not ever ... I want to just disappear from the social arena that I never was part of in the first place ... that way, you will not know anything about me, just as I don't know anything about you.
Your words do make sense, and regardless of how much I needed to hear those words .. They wont change anything now ...
I love you .. I truly do .. and I am happy even proud that you were able to rise above a challenging situation that is that brain of yours... I know what it means to face one's fears ..I have done it a few times ...
I feel compassion ... and I feel protective ... but that needs to end there ...
I can't go back ...
I won't go back ...
I am not going to fall out of love with you or hate you .. I can't ... It didn't happen when I was shaking with grief when I lost you, so it won't happen now that I understand you a little better...
But, I can't face that fear and pain again ...
The sadness over the future that we could have had was the most terrible I have experienced in my life ...
It was like seeing things, dreams, people, places and memories that were in infancy die right in front of me ...
I would rather wake up with you in that background noise way ... remember you when I see a philosophical reference in a book, feel all warm and cuddly when I allow myself the indecent fantasy of you every other moon ... even grieve quietly when I picture you falling in love again with someone who is not me, and get married, and live happily every after ... I can live with that even if it kills me ... but I can't face another devastating agony like the one that coursed through me more than 60 days ago ... No fucking way!
It's over.
I will be calm, and I will be me ... I just need that dear mug of coffee...
I should be happy that you contacted me at last, but I am not ..
I am not angry, I am not anything ... I am just sad that this is truly the end .. There I go, I wished for closure, and there I have it ...
Just a tad sad ...
Coffee ...