Philosophy, Field work, and other things
I think blogging tends to be like writing on a personal diary ... Although I don't admire this quality of writing, but this will it for at least the next year I'm afraid ... Unless I encounter a tumultuous mental shift that gets my head out of the clouds and allows me to look at everything in my life with a different mentality ...
I will probably enjoy the change, and I will probably write occasionally about how I miss my old self ... That's how humans are ..
Anyways, I started my day on a low note ... One thing I have come to realize about my psychology (Note to self, stop being so self absorbed!!) is that my confidence about myself gets smashed when people I care about get judgmental about activities or opinions that I care about. I might not show any reaction - let me rephrase this - I will not show any reaction, but it really gets to my psyche and cuts through whatever positive charge I have had, and I become really sad and skeptic about if I am doing anything right at all ...
Recently, I interact a lot with my brother and with my partner ... Both are confident opinionated men whom I admire too much ... Both share this quality of passing (sometimes) sharp and biting comments when commenting on something .. and usually this something happens to be something I care about, and I feel momentarily crushed .. No matter how I rationalize it to myself - that they feel strongly about something they actually care about .. or that ... I can just start a serious discussion about whatever we are talking about and show them that it's not always black or white ... or even that there is no free will and I should not let anyone's actions get to me the way it do ... I still feel bothered by the things they say ...
Sorry, I am venting ... and I can since this is my blog, and no one will read it but me. I say that with confidence because the only person who can read it, will not waste his time here (sorry E, but I am being honest).
Anyways, running is a therapy for me ... I feel better after a thirty minutes run ... Always.
I might start with an empty feeling, or an upset mind, or jumble of ideas on my life or work ... then as I run somethings start shifting .. Things that bothered me start getting to their original size which is much smaller ... and my attention is sharper and I can remember why these things matter or don't matter ... By the end of my run, I feel brand new again, and calmer and rational.
Then I decide that my thighs feel better, and my shoulders feel better and physically I am getting better...
My brother decided to scrutinize exercise types and he smashed running ... Literally I was on the verge of tears (inside) .. I listened to him with a polite smile and a few questions here and there about what kinds of exercises he thinks are important and so on, but it really bothered me ... I told him before I went to bed that I might never run again thanks to his critical opinion on running and runners... It really really bothered me.
My love for reading is being influenced greatly by my strong want to be on the same wavelength with my partner ... I really want to be able to have dynamic conversations with him on topics that are of interest to him ... But I have the feeling that I am sub-bar ... He never states that, but I feel it through and through ... and although intellectually I am average, I know that I am not stupid ... Trying to please someone other than oneself by dedicating your mind and soul to doing something is - in my opinion - a form of love. I love him, I want him to be happy, but I am not sure if I will ever do it right... I selected a book by his favorite author and his opinion was that I shouldn't read that book. His reasons were reasonable to him, but why not have faith in me? I am not the most disciplined person I know, but why not give me some level of confidence that I will be able to do it?
This is what bothers me. Throughout my life, I reflect back what I receive. Whenever I got faith, encouragement, and confidence from people surrounding me and left on my own devices to complete a task, I carried it out successfully without that stupid feeling of fear at the bit of my stomach. I gain confidence from those who surround me. I by myself was never ( and still sometimes) able to be confident about me. I love me, she is cool and funny and sometimes very depressing and melancholic ... but I know my mother's encouragement and blind faith in my pushed me out of my comfort zone ... my teachers in school ... my advisers in graduate school .. all those people would tell me that I can do whatever it is that I intended to do, and I felt empowered to do some really awful things like climbing up some really steep valleys and sliding from some awfully high mountains ... I hate how it works, but this is how it works ... I gain my confidence from my support network .. my family, my best friends, my teachers, and my significant others...
that is my venting ... I feel that I am not enough because of my lack of knowledge, lack of argumentation skills, lack of standard egotistical tendencies when it comes to having strong opinions about everything, and just in general my weak birefringence ...
Let me clarify to you my dear self, when it comes to truth, I would rather have that than sympathy. I am being melodramatic here I know I know ... But I am trying ... All I wanted earlier was some faith ... Faith that I will complete something that I am doing ... Faith that although I lack a magnitude of qualities, that I care enough to do this. I mean who reads a huge book because they really want to have that background on a topic to be able to converse with one human being.. I care about that human being not shunning me because of my ignorance ... because it hurts as it is that I am that ignorant, let alone losing someone because of my ignorance...
Why do I sound so clingy?!
Okay, I love field work ... and I love it because it brings all the rawness within me right through my pores... I get passionate, argumentative, and even loud ... Last field season, I had a really good fight with Guy ... I didn't realize my level of upset can make me cry... But I was upset that observation could be clouded by our desire as scientists to see certain phenomena ... Guy, used to seeing cyclicity is rocks, argued that I missed three cycles .. But I argued that I am not seeing any cycles where he pointed out... He tried to make me see them, and I tried seeing them, but I couldn't. He said I am not capable of observing, and I told him immediately that he sees what he actually desires to see, he has expectations ... whereas I am a clean slate when it comes to seeing something that doesn't fit expectations ... I hated that fight, but I told him that I will never lie to please him or anyone else. If I don't see it, then I will say that I don't see it!!
Anyways, I don't remember why I remembered that this morning ...
We are trying to travel ... I forgot how making travel plans, booking tickets, organizing pre-travel life could be ... Hectic as hell (if hell is actually hectic.. frankly I don't think there is hell) .. Anyways, I have a tonne of things to do, and the thing that helps me accomplish the most each day is to have a five or six lines of what I am supposed to do today ... I follow the recipe, and I make it tough and challenging ... then I go and do it...
So, today, I have to draft yet another 100 m of rock... complete a couple of stupid applications, email Guy about my student, go to the gym, read the next 20 pages of the book, and get our flights booked.
Long day ... but I feel better after venting ...thanks for listening ..
I will probably enjoy the change, and I will probably write occasionally about how I miss my old self ... That's how humans are ..
Anyways, I started my day on a low note ... One thing I have come to realize about my psychology (Note to self, stop being so self absorbed!!) is that my confidence about myself gets smashed when people I care about get judgmental about activities or opinions that I care about. I might not show any reaction - let me rephrase this - I will not show any reaction, but it really gets to my psyche and cuts through whatever positive charge I have had, and I become really sad and skeptic about if I am doing anything right at all ...
Recently, I interact a lot with my brother and with my partner ... Both are confident opinionated men whom I admire too much ... Both share this quality of passing (sometimes) sharp and biting comments when commenting on something .. and usually this something happens to be something I care about, and I feel momentarily crushed .. No matter how I rationalize it to myself - that they feel strongly about something they actually care about .. or that ... I can just start a serious discussion about whatever we are talking about and show them that it's not always black or white ... or even that there is no free will and I should not let anyone's actions get to me the way it do ... I still feel bothered by the things they say ...
Sorry, I am venting ... and I can since this is my blog, and no one will read it but me. I say that with confidence because the only person who can read it, will not waste his time here (sorry E, but I am being honest).
Anyways, running is a therapy for me ... I feel better after a thirty minutes run ... Always.
I might start with an empty feeling, or an upset mind, or jumble of ideas on my life or work ... then as I run somethings start shifting .. Things that bothered me start getting to their original size which is much smaller ... and my attention is sharper and I can remember why these things matter or don't matter ... By the end of my run, I feel brand new again, and calmer and rational.
Then I decide that my thighs feel better, and my shoulders feel better and physically I am getting better...
My brother decided to scrutinize exercise types and he smashed running ... Literally I was on the verge of tears (inside) .. I listened to him with a polite smile and a few questions here and there about what kinds of exercises he thinks are important and so on, but it really bothered me ... I told him before I went to bed that I might never run again thanks to his critical opinion on running and runners... It really really bothered me.
My love for reading is being influenced greatly by my strong want to be on the same wavelength with my partner ... I really want to be able to have dynamic conversations with him on topics that are of interest to him ... But I have the feeling that I am sub-bar ... He never states that, but I feel it through and through ... and although intellectually I am average, I know that I am not stupid ... Trying to please someone other than oneself by dedicating your mind and soul to doing something is - in my opinion - a form of love. I love him, I want him to be happy, but I am not sure if I will ever do it right... I selected a book by his favorite author and his opinion was that I shouldn't read that book. His reasons were reasonable to him, but why not have faith in me? I am not the most disciplined person I know, but why not give me some level of confidence that I will be able to do it?
This is what bothers me. Throughout my life, I reflect back what I receive. Whenever I got faith, encouragement, and confidence from people surrounding me and left on my own devices to complete a task, I carried it out successfully without that stupid feeling of fear at the bit of my stomach. I gain confidence from those who surround me. I by myself was never ( and still sometimes) able to be confident about me. I love me, she is cool and funny and sometimes very depressing and melancholic ... but I know my mother's encouragement and blind faith in my pushed me out of my comfort zone ... my teachers in school ... my advisers in graduate school .. all those people would tell me that I can do whatever it is that I intended to do, and I felt empowered to do some really awful things like climbing up some really steep valleys and sliding from some awfully high mountains ... I hate how it works, but this is how it works ... I gain my confidence from my support network .. my family, my best friends, my teachers, and my significant others...
that is my venting ... I feel that I am not enough because of my lack of knowledge, lack of argumentation skills, lack of standard egotistical tendencies when it comes to having strong opinions about everything, and just in general my weak birefringence ...
Let me clarify to you my dear self, when it comes to truth, I would rather have that than sympathy. I am being melodramatic here I know I know ... But I am trying ... All I wanted earlier was some faith ... Faith that I will complete something that I am doing ... Faith that although I lack a magnitude of qualities, that I care enough to do this. I mean who reads a huge book because they really want to have that background on a topic to be able to converse with one human being.. I care about that human being not shunning me because of my ignorance ... because it hurts as it is that I am that ignorant, let alone losing someone because of my ignorance...
Why do I sound so clingy?!
Okay, I love field work ... and I love it because it brings all the rawness within me right through my pores... I get passionate, argumentative, and even loud ... Last field season, I had a really good fight with Guy ... I didn't realize my level of upset can make me cry... But I was upset that observation could be clouded by our desire as scientists to see certain phenomena ... Guy, used to seeing cyclicity is rocks, argued that I missed three cycles .. But I argued that I am not seeing any cycles where he pointed out... He tried to make me see them, and I tried seeing them, but I couldn't. He said I am not capable of observing, and I told him immediately that he sees what he actually desires to see, he has expectations ... whereas I am a clean slate when it comes to seeing something that doesn't fit expectations ... I hated that fight, but I told him that I will never lie to please him or anyone else. If I don't see it, then I will say that I don't see it!!
Anyways, I don't remember why I remembered that this morning ...
We are trying to travel ... I forgot how making travel plans, booking tickets, organizing pre-travel life could be ... Hectic as hell (if hell is actually hectic.. frankly I don't think there is hell) .. Anyways, I have a tonne of things to do, and the thing that helps me accomplish the most each day is to have a five or six lines of what I am supposed to do today ... I follow the recipe, and I make it tough and challenging ... then I go and do it...
So, today, I have to draft yet another 100 m of rock... complete a couple of stupid applications, email Guy about my student, go to the gym, read the next 20 pages of the book, and get our flights booked.
Long day ... but I feel better after venting ...thanks for listening ..
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