Just another human
Ever wonder what to do when your mind wants to tell the truth so loud, yet you cannot say it out loud ... two different parts of your body pointing at different directions?
That's the case with me today ... after a lengthy discussion with my friend ...
For what feels like forever, I lived a double life ... one that appeared normal, relatively of a good polite girl raised in a conservative society ... and she abides by the rules of that society to a good extent ... and she appears healthy and reasonable ... and another life that doesn't conform to the norm by any measure ...
She is a free thinker, who strives for independence in her actions and ideas, and she is not afraid to leave home behind seeking the next adventure ... that's me.... or at least who I am becoming ...
The hidden part was always how my mind is structured ...
I knew a long time ago that my personality is different in many ways, and truth is I wanted it to be normal like everyone else ... until I realized two facts... one, no one is normal, and two, being different is good for you !!
Moving on ....
At the age of fifteen, I started doubting an afterlife .... then the truth about my religion .... then the presence of a God .... then the truth behind life .... then that coincided with my entrance of University and my introduction to the wonders of evolutionary biology in my zoology classes.... the world of mechanics in my physics ... and of course the spectacular stratigraphy of the Earth ...
I am an Atheist ... a nice, peaceful, life-loving, optimistic Atheist .... the kind who doesn't bother others about debating the presence of God(s) , how they view life, or how they vision its ending ...
I love life ... I appreciate every millisecond I survive ... I have good days and bad days like the rest of the population, but I enjoy being here .... life doesn't revolve around a supreme being for me, but I think its meaningful, beautiful, filled with many wonders, and the least I can do is to appreciate how it all came together to be in front of my eyes ...
Those who know about my lack of belief, or how I like to put it "belief in reason" are a few people ... and they love me and I love them regardless of how many Gods are actually present or absent ...
My confession is for you ...
I like you so very much ... in a perfect world where I am able to get past my logic, I love you ... no, I am not in love with you ...
I think you are perfect, even though we both know you are not ... but you are to me ...
I love your mind, and how it works ...
How we share many quirks ...
and how you make me laugh ...
and how you remember my birthday ...
and how you got me my favorite bar of chocolate ...
and how you make fun of me sometimes ...
and how you are just you ... silly and kind and naughty and childish and filled with life ...
I loved the best friend in you ... and I cannot say I see anything more ....
but you know what, I never pictured you as husband material for me, not because you are not .... but because I haven't pictured anyone at all ...
I can't see it ...
Reasons? not one ... but many ... which brings me back to the long intro about me ... being an Atheist ... you are not ... you are a firm believer in a deity governing this life according to a singular book delivered by a man ...
Now, why am I saying this?
I want to have some peace ... I am tired of running away from all of it ... my feelings and my secrets ...
I am tired of you showing up whenever you feel like writing long emails ... and taking off whenever your mood strikes ...
I am also tired of the abrupt spikes in my heart rate associated with this ... and the painful withdrawal symptoms I have to experience every time you, my friend, disappear ...
I am exhausted of thinking of you ... then forcing myself to stop thinking ... then you appearing everytime I am almost successful .... are you doing that on purpose?? cos' let me tell you, you win ...
I give up , with a genuine smile and wishes for a good life ... so please please ... leave me alone ....
I miss your witty mind, silly jokes, entertaining stories, intriguing ideas ... I miss our conversations ... the long ones with all kinds of topics ...
But I am tired of waiting for you to notice ... that I miss you ...
I gave you privileges that I think were misplaced .... and I want them back ...
You have the best excuse to take off now ... not that you ever needed one really ...
I am different than you in a core value ....
and I accepted that a long time ago, so why are you still here?
Go away , please ... and stay that way ....
I want to live without this kind of anxiety ...
I want to do my things, and build my courage to actually find someone who truly will be there ... who would like me the way I am ... and hopefully is a good cook ...that would be a bonus ..
I think being afraid is not my style ... specially after my discussion with my friend today ...
I am not the kind who hides behind others' shoulders .... I lack confidence, but I definitely don't lack courage, so here we are ... this is for you .... and thanks for everything that is wonderful about you ....
That's the case with me today ... after a lengthy discussion with my friend ...
For what feels like forever, I lived a double life ... one that appeared normal, relatively of a good polite girl raised in a conservative society ... and she abides by the rules of that society to a good extent ... and she appears healthy and reasonable ... and another life that doesn't conform to the norm by any measure ...
She is a free thinker, who strives for independence in her actions and ideas, and she is not afraid to leave home behind seeking the next adventure ... that's me.... or at least who I am becoming ...
The hidden part was always how my mind is structured ...
I knew a long time ago that my personality is different in many ways, and truth is I wanted it to be normal like everyone else ... until I realized two facts... one, no one is normal, and two, being different is good for you !!
Moving on ....
At the age of fifteen, I started doubting an afterlife .... then the truth about my religion .... then the presence of a God .... then the truth behind life .... then that coincided with my entrance of University and my introduction to the wonders of evolutionary biology in my zoology classes.... the world of mechanics in my physics ... and of course the spectacular stratigraphy of the Earth ...
I am an Atheist ... a nice, peaceful, life-loving, optimistic Atheist .... the kind who doesn't bother others about debating the presence of God(s) , how they view life, or how they vision its ending ...
I love life ... I appreciate every millisecond I survive ... I have good days and bad days like the rest of the population, but I enjoy being here .... life doesn't revolve around a supreme being for me, but I think its meaningful, beautiful, filled with many wonders, and the least I can do is to appreciate how it all came together to be in front of my eyes ...
Those who know about my lack of belief, or how I like to put it "belief in reason" are a few people ... and they love me and I love them regardless of how many Gods are actually present or absent ...
My confession is for you ...
I like you so very much ... in a perfect world where I am able to get past my logic, I love you ... no, I am not in love with you ...
I think you are perfect, even though we both know you are not ... but you are to me ...
I love your mind, and how it works ...
How we share many quirks ...
and how you make me laugh ...
and how you remember my birthday ...
and how you got me my favorite bar of chocolate ...
and how you make fun of me sometimes ...
and how you are just you ... silly and kind and naughty and childish and filled with life ...
I loved the best friend in you ... and I cannot say I see anything more ....
but you know what, I never pictured you as husband material for me, not because you are not .... but because I haven't pictured anyone at all ...
I can't see it ...
Reasons? not one ... but many ... which brings me back to the long intro about me ... being an Atheist ... you are not ... you are a firm believer in a deity governing this life according to a singular book delivered by a man ...
Now, why am I saying this?
I want to have some peace ... I am tired of running away from all of it ... my feelings and my secrets ...
I am tired of you showing up whenever you feel like writing long emails ... and taking off whenever your mood strikes ...
I am also tired of the abrupt spikes in my heart rate associated with this ... and the painful withdrawal symptoms I have to experience every time you, my friend, disappear ...
I am exhausted of thinking of you ... then forcing myself to stop thinking ... then you appearing everytime I am almost successful .... are you doing that on purpose?? cos' let me tell you, you win ...
I give up , with a genuine smile and wishes for a good life ... so please please ... leave me alone ....
I miss your witty mind, silly jokes, entertaining stories, intriguing ideas ... I miss our conversations ... the long ones with all kinds of topics ...
But I am tired of waiting for you to notice ... that I miss you ...
I gave you privileges that I think were misplaced .... and I want them back ...
You have the best excuse to take off now ... not that you ever needed one really ...
I am different than you in a core value ....
and I accepted that a long time ago, so why are you still here?
Go away , please ... and stay that way ....
I want to live without this kind of anxiety ...
I want to do my things, and build my courage to actually find someone who truly will be there ... who would like me the way I am ... and hopefully is a good cook ...that would be a bonus ..
I think being afraid is not my style ... specially after my discussion with my friend today ...
I am not the kind who hides behind others' shoulders .... I lack confidence, but I definitely don't lack courage, so here we are ... this is for you .... and thanks for everything that is wonderful about you ....
Comments
Post a Comment