Emptiness ... no way!
Hey!! long time no see!!
This is a name of an Indian-English song .. a very neat song with a true story, or so does the youtuber claimed anyways.
I know I am a happy person, about 99% of my time. I am very busy and when I am not I make sure I am occupied with something useful ... or something useless it doesnt really matter. I am rambling here.
I feel these bouts of emptiness.. as if I have nothing inside ... then they go away ...but when I do have these feelings, no matter how I try to distract myself, I can't succeed at it. Music, people, writing, anything ... nothing at all works.
I wonder why ... and I wonder what do these moments mean ...
I am not particularly fond of them, but they are there anyways ,,,
Are there to remind me of the meaning of loneliness?
Or are they just there because the chemistry of my brain dictates them to exist?
Anyways, since I am here...just a quick update.
I am making some slow steady progress at work. Social life is also nice, I get together with friends whenever I feel like good company, and I have a good friend now (there is a God afterall I guess)
I am better at keeping in touch, and I am trying to get back on a good schedule.
I want to work, learn an instrument, and get back on track on learning another language.
I think language are so much fun. I realize that minds construct ideas differently.
The most primitive simple structures are those of the eastern languages, specially Mandarin Chinese, its almost like Arabic in many regards.
On another level, Jacobian appeared indirectly via his FB and denied a hack stating his wedding.
I spent some time last night thinking about it, and since the sleep bus didn't wait for me to stop thinking, I didnt actually sleep until 2 in the morning.
What I was thinking about was some scenarios if the statement was real, how would I feel about it??
These were:
One: He gets married , I am the last one to know, I will definitly feel upset at being left out, will not discuss the issue at all, and meet him one day and say congrats.
Two: He intends to get married, he circulates an email around telling his friends, I am included in the email, I will send congratulations without delay.
Feelings? I will be curious about what kind of a person is his future wife. Is she nice? is she as funny as him? will I do the "I told you so" dance and tape it and may be send him a copy one day? WillI be able to go in good time for the wedding?
Will I feel disappointed?
Honestly, slightly disappointed. He is a really good guy. I know I will never marry him, but I still think he is too good for a normal girl, unless he decides otherwise. He is fun, moderately progressive, slightly self-centred, but good natured and really fun to have around. His soul is happy and still knows how to be a child at this age.
He probably will marry someone who is not the entire opposite, but not exactly the same. Someone more serious in her attitude, and more or less similar to Aws. That would be a fantastic match, if he finds a female version of Aws. I will love her quickly if she was like Aws.
Three: He decided on a long engagement. For some bizzare reason, I don't like the sound of engagement.
I prefer him getting married right away (evil smile)
Engagement implies time, time to think about it, and decide may be its not such a good idea, and that might pose a threat to my dance routine plans.
Anyways, I decided to imagine myself in his place and started thinking of my wedding.
How would it be like to decide on it?
Will I actually have a wedding? Where will it take place?
Do I want kids with him, or do we want to adobt?
I really want to adobt children, its my deal with myself.
Will he be a family man? someone who will kiss my forehead before we both go to work in the morning? will he always do that? I kinda like that ... and so it goes... me daydreaming about lovely romantic things, babies, kisses on my forehead until I noticed its 2 am, and realized that I have less than 5 hours to sleep before I met my friend Ted for breakfast the next morning! slap!
Disclaimer to my future self:
Getting married is just a fantasy. Yes, I fall in love and out and in again, but getting married is not really a nice thing. Remember all the fun you have as a single woman: time to myself, noone to modify how your daily life goes, noone to worry about when preparing the meals for the week, and noone to fight with (best of all)
Yes, the house is empty, cuddling would be nice, and having someone strong to carry my stuff for me would also be nice. Of course sleeping with someone else would be even nicer. I give married people that.
Kids on the other hand are a delight. I can't wait till I get a job and can afford my house and have somewhere stable somewhere.
Which reminds me, I really need to finish my degree, get a job, and decide where in the world I want to live. Probably England. Love that place.
Hey! I better get back to work, and I need to pee.
Sayonara
This is a name of an Indian-English song .. a very neat song with a true story, or so does the youtuber claimed anyways.
I know I am a happy person, about 99% of my time. I am very busy and when I am not I make sure I am occupied with something useful ... or something useless it doesnt really matter. I am rambling here.
I feel these bouts of emptiness.. as if I have nothing inside ... then they go away ...but when I do have these feelings, no matter how I try to distract myself, I can't succeed at it. Music, people, writing, anything ... nothing at all works.
I wonder why ... and I wonder what do these moments mean ...
I am not particularly fond of them, but they are there anyways ,,,
Are there to remind me of the meaning of loneliness?
Or are they just there because the chemistry of my brain dictates them to exist?
Anyways, since I am here...just a quick update.
I am making some slow steady progress at work. Social life is also nice, I get together with friends whenever I feel like good company, and I have a good friend now (there is a God afterall I guess)
I am better at keeping in touch, and I am trying to get back on a good schedule.
I want to work, learn an instrument, and get back on track on learning another language.
I think language are so much fun. I realize that minds construct ideas differently.
The most primitive simple structures are those of the eastern languages, specially Mandarin Chinese, its almost like Arabic in many regards.
On another level, Jacobian appeared indirectly via his FB and denied a hack stating his wedding.
I spent some time last night thinking about it, and since the sleep bus didn't wait for me to stop thinking, I didnt actually sleep until 2 in the morning.
What I was thinking about was some scenarios if the statement was real, how would I feel about it??
These were:
One: He gets married , I am the last one to know, I will definitly feel upset at being left out, will not discuss the issue at all, and meet him one day and say congrats.
Two: He intends to get married, he circulates an email around telling his friends, I am included in the email, I will send congratulations without delay.
Feelings? I will be curious about what kind of a person is his future wife. Is she nice? is she as funny as him? will I do the "I told you so" dance and tape it and may be send him a copy one day? WillI be able to go in good time for the wedding?
Will I feel disappointed?
Honestly, slightly disappointed. He is a really good guy. I know I will never marry him, but I still think he is too good for a normal girl, unless he decides otherwise. He is fun, moderately progressive, slightly self-centred, but good natured and really fun to have around. His soul is happy and still knows how to be a child at this age.
He probably will marry someone who is not the entire opposite, but not exactly the same. Someone more serious in her attitude, and more or less similar to Aws. That would be a fantastic match, if he finds a female version of Aws. I will love her quickly if she was like Aws.
Three: He decided on a long engagement. For some bizzare reason, I don't like the sound of engagement.
I prefer him getting married right away (evil smile)
Engagement implies time, time to think about it, and decide may be its not such a good idea, and that might pose a threat to my dance routine plans.
Anyways, I decided to imagine myself in his place and started thinking of my wedding.
How would it be like to decide on it?
Will I actually have a wedding? Where will it take place?
Do I want kids with him, or do we want to adobt?
I really want to adobt children, its my deal with myself.
Will he be a family man? someone who will kiss my forehead before we both go to work in the morning? will he always do that? I kinda like that ... and so it goes... me daydreaming about lovely romantic things, babies, kisses on my forehead until I noticed its 2 am, and realized that I have less than 5 hours to sleep before I met my friend Ted for breakfast the next morning! slap!
Disclaimer to my future self:
Getting married is just a fantasy. Yes, I fall in love and out and in again, but getting married is not really a nice thing. Remember all the fun you have as a single woman: time to myself, noone to modify how your daily life goes, noone to worry about when preparing the meals for the week, and noone to fight with (best of all)
Yes, the house is empty, cuddling would be nice, and having someone strong to carry my stuff for me would also be nice. Of course sleeping with someone else would be even nicer. I give married people that.
Kids on the other hand are a delight. I can't wait till I get a job and can afford my house and have somewhere stable somewhere.
Which reminds me, I really need to finish my degree, get a job, and decide where in the world I want to live. Probably England. Love that place.
Hey! I better get back to work, and I need to pee.
Sayonara
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