Back at home
Another day is over..
Spent the week in the Prairies ... very white plains very flat ...
nice people very very nice .. I think if there is a place that should be labeled as the place with the nicest people it should be the Prairies of Canada ... if only they are more used to people of colour, I would have lived there .. may be made some cash working as a farm hand or something .. I do hate being a scientist on a bad day .. but the winter is harsh over there and I appreciate living near the rockies with the Chinook making life a little more tolerable.
Anyways, the mood swings are back .. very dark mood on Friday evening all day Saturday and partially Sunday and all day today .. laughing.
What triggered it was my supervisor continuous string of questions .. for which I had no answer .. and there we go .. I felt my already low self-esteem just going down with a whoosh..
Next stage is the defensive me stage .. I start anticipating questions and I start preparing a mental "I don't know" .. I am not good at thinking on the spot , and even if I know the answer, I just pass it over my eyes in a mental image and blurt a well-identified " I dunno!"
Then I hate myself and the person who asked me the question with passion.
I also don't like it if someone says that "we did this or we did that" if I did not contribute anything..
Now, I know partially what is going in front of me, but I don't like parts, either all or not.
And this makes me even more defensive.
then at some point of being asked a question, or agreeing without really agreeing, I just shut down completely.
After shutting down , not even myself can get me out of that dark place .. and here I am today...
I must be honest though, writing this is a relief .. I feel better after writing this, its unbelievable.
Then today all I have been thinking about is to help the undergrads with their questions and I could answer 2 out of four .. which threw me off again...
My confidence level is very low these days .. this started since that PhD rejection and no matter how hard I try to tell myself that their justification is true , I cant ... receiving an incomplete application is a good reason to reject any application, bad or good ..
but my mental capacity is good t telling me about how good it is you have not been accepted, you are stupid and not good enough .. I know its hard to hear that about yourself from yourself .. but I think the tape will keep playing until something I do turns out to be good .. otherwise, I will continue to dwell in this sea of emptiness..
Ending on a happy note ; I dont have to teach a lab tomorrow, I just have to watch the students write their midterm and enjoy rotating the samples... who said life is cruel?? cos he is wrong.
Till another happy day ..
Spent the week in the Prairies ... very white plains very flat ...
nice people very very nice .. I think if there is a place that should be labeled as the place with the nicest people it should be the Prairies of Canada ... if only they are more used to people of colour, I would have lived there .. may be made some cash working as a farm hand or something .. I do hate being a scientist on a bad day .. but the winter is harsh over there and I appreciate living near the rockies with the Chinook making life a little more tolerable.
Anyways, the mood swings are back .. very dark mood on Friday evening all day Saturday and partially Sunday and all day today .. laughing.
What triggered it was my supervisor continuous string of questions .. for which I had no answer .. and there we go .. I felt my already low self-esteem just going down with a whoosh..
Next stage is the defensive me stage .. I start anticipating questions and I start preparing a mental "I don't know" .. I am not good at thinking on the spot , and even if I know the answer, I just pass it over my eyes in a mental image and blurt a well-identified " I dunno!"
Then I hate myself and the person who asked me the question with passion.
I also don't like it if someone says that "we did this or we did that" if I did not contribute anything..
Now, I know partially what is going in front of me, but I don't like parts, either all or not.
And this makes me even more defensive.
then at some point of being asked a question, or agreeing without really agreeing, I just shut down completely.
After shutting down , not even myself can get me out of that dark place .. and here I am today...
I must be honest though, writing this is a relief .. I feel better after writing this, its unbelievable.
Then today all I have been thinking about is to help the undergrads with their questions and I could answer 2 out of four .. which threw me off again...
My confidence level is very low these days .. this started since that PhD rejection and no matter how hard I try to tell myself that their justification is true , I cant ... receiving an incomplete application is a good reason to reject any application, bad or good ..
but my mental capacity is good t telling me about how good it is you have not been accepted, you are stupid and not good enough .. I know its hard to hear that about yourself from yourself .. but I think the tape will keep playing until something I do turns out to be good .. otherwise, I will continue to dwell in this sea of emptiness..
Ending on a happy note ; I dont have to teach a lab tomorrow, I just have to watch the students write their midterm and enjoy rotating the samples... who said life is cruel?? cos he is wrong.
Till another happy day ..
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