The day my insecurity about writing started eroding

How do you stop feeling like the token foreign friend?

I’ve lived in country X for about three years now. I speak the language well and have only a slight accent. I have made good friends that I am close to, but sometimes, particularly when new people come into the group, that I am seen like the token foreigner and I am curious how to move beyond that.

Choose your friends well.

I travel a lot, and I always end up as the only black female in any social and sometimes academic gathering. Sometimes it’s my gender alone that makes me stand out. Sometimes it’s my colour. Sometimes it’s my different background/ nationality/ culture/ language. I get the curious looks and questions, but I only experience that with strangers.

Never once have I ever felt that I am the token anything to anyone. My colleagues recognize me for my skills, my neighbors for my interpersonal skills, and my new friends for my personality and how I make them feel as people. Not where I come from. Not my colour. Not my gender.

I chose my friends based on our commonalities. We might have similar interests or we just click so well and feel all warm and fluffy when we spend time together. We make each other feel great, we support each other, share life experiences and provide companionship with depth and meaning. We match each other that I rarely remember that I come from a different planet than them. They ask me about my life and my background to get to know and understand me better, not because I am the token foreigner. If you choose correctly, you will never feel like a “insert adjective”, you will just feel like yourself.

Have a better control on your thoughts.

Sometimes, when we think of something for long periods, associate it with our self-esteem, or may be it is a trigger for a bad past memory, or we were warned against certain signs and clues for things that are dangerous or harmful to us. We start obsessing. And, we start seeing things where there is nothing really. And, even sad, miss the opportunity to see great things surrounding us in our timeout period.

I am not suggesting that you are imagining things here. No. I see this as a real life experience. What I implore you to do, is to have skepticism towards your own thoughts to better see what is real and what is not.

Develop your self-esteem

The golden rule of “Not giving your fucks freely and mind your fuck budget” is amazing. So what if you are the foreigner! Those who suggest your only attribute is that, well, “amounts of fucks given…hmmmm … none!”. NEXT! then you go make friends who like you and you like them back.

I accepted that I will go to some science conferences, and I will not see a single black person. I will be the only person of my nationality ever doing certain things, going to certain conferences, being in certain social circles. I want this to change, and I am working on it. However, nothing anyone would say or do would affect me in anyways if it has to do with being a token anything. Simply, I know my worth. I have lots of insecurities, but this is not one of them. I think if you think of yourself as the many facets to your identity including your nationality or background and accept and be proud of who you are as a human being, not much else matters really.

Stay well and positive! :)

Anonymous

Please write for a living. That's all. Even if it's just a side thing - that was beautiful