To write or not to write ...

In the background, the television is on ... running a prime-time show on the political scenes in Canada these days ..
I came from the university an hour ago .. still unfocused ...
At least I got one thing done for the day, and will try to do another before the day is over ...
It is very tough on my self-esteem to be incapable of writing down what I am thinking about ... even the emptiness consists of much chaotic shadows ...
There are shades of boredom ... there is longing for something ... homesickness for someone ... loneliness ... and frustration ...
There is so much energy .. and there is self-destruction ...
There is loss and the feeling of being lost ...
There is fear of the unknown ...
And the worst is the confusion ... Who am I really?
I don't know...
I am not everyone .. and I am not no one ... then who am I?
I don't know ...

The practical stuff isn't really up to speed ...
I don't feel like working, but I work ...
I don't think there is much progress, and so I am stuck with that stupid feeling of no productivity ...
I am worried about the next year ... there should be light at the end of the tunnel, but I see nothing ...
My mind is not here ... and it is not anywhere to be found ...
Oh ... I did the search for it ... it's not with him either ...
It's just shut down ... I couldn't tease it out ...no item on the usual list is doing the trick ...
It's like there is something on this planet that will do it, but I have yet to find my way towards it, and it has yet to move towards me ...
It doesn't help that I am a half-bright ... or am I?
I know I am above average ... but I am not THAT above average ... so it does remain a struggle to express my mind in any expressive artistic form thus far in time ...

I need a wake up call ... a link to something bigger ... a dream of something deeper ... just something is missing ...
The box is just too small .. the top is blue .. the bottom is carpet, dirt, grass and sidewalk cement ...
The sides are dull .., people, obligations, duties, and work ...
I am asleep or dead or both ... seriously what is wrong with me?!
I really hope this is just biological ...
I am bored of this life ... I know I shouldn't think that, let alone write it down ...
There are people who will never get the chance to have a break and think of how boring this life is ... how mundane .. and limited ...
Is it limited?
I don't think so ...
I can drop out of my program, start a small business, or even work at a Starbucks .. go to evening art classes .. take music lessons ... take up mountaineering ... go hiking in Banff ...do whatever the heck I wish to do ... may be find a library and work there and read all books my hands could touch ...
 Why am I limiting myself to this bubble?
Is this some form of a curve that I have to get through?
It's just .. my life seems so limited ... aimless ..
Seriously, I need to snap out of this hole ... There is much to the world than this ...